It has now been a month since I signed up for hospice. All in all it has been a good month. We have done a lot to make as many memories we can in the time we have left.
I have been reading a lot of good books about death, dying, and hospice. The first book I turn to is the scriptures and talks from our Prophets and Apostles. They are the best things to help me be spiritually strong as I prepare to complete my earthly journey. Some chapters I have read in the Book of Mormon that have helped me so much recently is Alma chapters 31 and 32 and especially verse 35. A few recent favorite General Conference talks have been "Finding Strength in Challenging times" By Elder Allan F. Packer and "Adversity" by President Henry B. Eyring. Whether you are LDS or not, religious or not, active in church or not, these talks give so much hope and comfort! I have also been reading a book called "This Birth we Call Death" and I just finished a book given to me by a hospice nurse called "Final Gifts".
I also have had a couple of really difficult and challenging things happen the last few days. On Monday, Dan, my mom, and I went to the cemetery where my Grandpa Monson was buried to see if we could find a plot by him for me to buried. By some blessing, there was room for plots for Dan and I, as well as plots for my parents, so we can all be buried together. It was a very touching experience as I pondered having my body buried by my Grandpa, but also realizing that I would soon be together with him spiritually as well. I loved my Grandpa so much, and I while I look forward to seeing him again soon, I still wish I could live for so much longer than I have been given.
So after doing that on Monday, coupled with the fact that I was exhausted from enjoying a Memorial Day breakfast with my Chase family, and playing with the kids at a park and splash and water play area, and having a barbque with my Monson family, I was physically and emotionally spent. I spent Tuesday really feeling down. I talked with my mom some about different hymns that help us with trials, and then we talked a little bit about what I would like at my funeral. So, so, so difficult to think about! I also was feeling so sad for my children loosing their mother, and having to grow up with out me. No more hugs, no kisses, no snuggles, no more laughing and playing together. I felt like my heart was breaking apart the pain from the grief was so intense.
Because of the hard time I was having, it was extremely timly that today was the day that the Social Worker, Sean, came. I was able to have a good talk with him about what I have been going through. He says what I am suffering from even has a name: Anticipatory Grief. I was just relieved to know that I am not crazy or weird for being so sad. He gave me some good ideas about how to deal with that grief, and also gave me some good examples of the good that has came from my cancer, and that the good things that we experience as we go through the dying process. I am feeling not so grief stricken tonight. I even did a couple of little video memories tonight as part of a project I am starting for my family. I want to get as much of this done while I am feeling as good as I can.
I didn't mean for this entry to become a novel. I just really needed to vent, which according to my social worker/counseler is a good thing.
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