A new path on my cancer journey.....

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life. I signed papers to start hospice care. As I have battled cancer for almost 2 years, I knew this day would come. I have imagined what I would feel when this time came, but nothing prepared me for the heavy heart, the lump in my throat, the tears that I would fight to not shed. It is very difficult to make the decision to stop fighting, after I have fought so hard and suffered so much. I can't wrap my head around the fact that this monster I have been battling is going to claim my life. I had so much hope! How could this have happened? Why do I have to be the cause of grief to my loved ones? What will my husband do without me? How are my 5 children going to be okay growing up without a mother? My heart is breaking and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. The grief and sadness is just ripping me apart, and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel so helpless and lost. I don't want to die. I try to shove all thoughts of death and dying from my mind, to pretend that this isn't really happening. I tell myself that I will deal with it later, I still have time. The doctor says I have 3 months. I know that he can't really know. I am in Heavenly Father's hands, as I always have been. He will preserve my life for as long as I am supposed to be here.