Hospice isn't all bad, it's actually quite nice!

When I heard that so and so was on hospice, I thought they were knocking at Death's door.  I now know differently.  The last couple of days have been wonderful!  As my body has rid itself of all of the toxic chemotherapy that has been circulating in it for the last 9 months, I have begun to feel much better.   My new pain medicines actually relieves ALL of my pain!  I haven't been totally pain free in years!  This is simply amazing to me.  I didn't think such a thing would be possible.  My new pain medicine also doesn't make me as tired as my other pain medicine.  

My doctor has also added Ritalin to help me have more energy.  I have taken it the last 2 days, and let me tell you, it works!  I have energy.  I am feeling almost normal the last couple of days.  

It struck me tonight, that this is just the calm before the storm.  I know this feeling good is only temporary, and what will follow is not so pleasant.  I really don't want to die.  I shed tears tonight at the thought of leaving my children motherless.  It has been a miracle that I have felt like my old self, and it saddens me that my kids have missed out on this for so long.  It also grieves me to know that my condition won't last.  I know that I have a terminal illness, but I don't want to die.  I wish I could wake up tomorrow and just be cancer free.  

I just encourage everyone to remember that every day is indeed a gift.  Treasure each moment that you have with your loved ones.  Don't take one minute for granted.  Hug and kiss your family members, tell them you love them every single day.  

I am officially a hospice patient

I am now officially a hospice patient. I have met with the hospice doctor (Dr. Wood), nurse (Carol), social worker (Sean), and chaplain (Mike).  It has been a whirlwind just like when I was first diagnosed with cancer.  My life is being changed topsy turvy again.  

   All of the hospice workers have been wonderful.  They all seem really kind and caring.  The doctor and nurse have been working really hard to get my pain under control.  I am on new pain meds and dosing, and they are working great.  My pain is almost gone most of the time!  It is great feeling relaxed and pain free.  I am still feeling really tired.  We are going to try some meds to help me have more energy.  The nurse also suggested nutritional supplements like boost and ensure to help my body have more fuel for energy.  

   Another good thing about hospice is that I don't have to go out to the doctors office.  I just wait at home for them to come to me.  They also go to the pharmacy to get my medicine, so Dan won't have to do that.  Very convenient!  My kids have met the  nurse and the social worker.  They seemed to really hit it off.   Sean, the social worker, gave the kids a "grief" workbook, so they can work through their feelings.  I think that will be really good for them.  Ammon really likes my nurse.  

   Even though the thought of dying is hard, at least having hospice is going to make life a lot easier.  I am looking forward to not being sick from chemo, having my pain managed better, not having to spend hours and hours at the hospital, and having quality time. Of course it is hard to face the reality of what hospice means, I can see the good and I am slowly finding peace with it.