A month has passed...

It has now been a month since I signed up for hospice. All in all it has been a good month. We have done a lot to make as many memories we can in the time we have left.
I have been reading a lot of good books about death, dying, and hospice. The first book I turn to is the scriptures and talks from our Prophets and Apostles. They are the best things to help me be spiritually strong as I prepare to complete my earthly journey. Some chapters I have read in the Book of Mormon that have helped me so much recently is Alma chapters 31 and 32 and especially verse 35. A few recent favorite General Conference talks have been "Finding Strength in Challenging times" By Elder Allan F. Packer and "Adversity" by President Henry B. Eyring. Whether you are LDS or not, religious or not, active in church or not, these talks give so much hope and comfort! I have also been reading a book called "This Birth we Call Death" and I just finished a book given to me by a hospice nurse called "Final Gifts".
I also have had a couple of really difficult and challenging things happen the last few days. On Monday, Dan, my mom, and I went to the cemetery where my Grandpa Monson was buried to see if we could find a plot by him for me to buried. By some blessing, there was room for plots for Dan and I, as well as plots for my parents, so we can all be buried together. It was a very touching experience as I pondered having my body buried by my Grandpa, but also realizing that I would soon be together with him spiritually as well. I loved my Grandpa so much, and I while I look forward to seeing him again soon, I still wish I could live for so much longer than I have been given.
So after doing that on Monday, coupled with the fact that I was exhausted from enjoying a Memorial Day breakfast with my Chase family, and playing with the kids at a park and splash and water play area, and having a barbque with my Monson family, I was physically and emotionally spent. I spent Tuesday really feeling down. I talked with my mom some about different hymns that help us with trials, and then we talked a little bit about what I would like at my funeral. So, so, so difficult to think about! I also was feeling so sad for my children loosing their mother, and having to grow up with out me. No more hugs, no kisses, no snuggles, no more laughing and playing together. I felt like my heart was breaking apart the pain from the grief was so intense.
Because of the hard time I was having, it was extremely timly that today was the day that the Social Worker, Sean, came. I was able to have a good talk with him about what I have been going through. He says what I am suffering from even has a name: Anticipatory Grief. I was just relieved to know that I am not crazy or weird for being so sad. He gave me some good ideas about how to deal with that grief, and also gave me some good examples of the good that has came from my cancer, and that the good things that we experience as we go through the dying process. I am feeling not so grief stricken tonight. I even did a couple of little video memories tonight as part of a project I am starting for my family. I want to get as much of this done while I am feeling as good as I can.
I didn't mean for this entry to become a novel. I just really needed to vent, which according to my social worker/counseler is a good thing.

Hospice isn't all bad, it's actually quite nice!

When I heard that so and so was on hospice, I thought they were knocking at Death's door.  I now know differently.  The last couple of days have been wonderful!  As my body has rid itself of all of the toxic chemotherapy that has been circulating in it for the last 9 months, I have begun to feel much better.   My new pain medicines actually relieves ALL of my pain!  I haven't been totally pain free in years!  This is simply amazing to me.  I didn't think such a thing would be possible.  My new pain medicine also doesn't make me as tired as my other pain medicine.  

My doctor has also added Ritalin to help me have more energy.  I have taken it the last 2 days, and let me tell you, it works!  I have energy.  I am feeling almost normal the last couple of days.  

It struck me tonight, that this is just the calm before the storm.  I know this feeling good is only temporary, and what will follow is not so pleasant.  I really don't want to die.  I shed tears tonight at the thought of leaving my children motherless.  It has been a miracle that I have felt like my old self, and it saddens me that my kids have missed out on this for so long.  It also grieves me to know that my condition won't last.  I know that I have a terminal illness, but I don't want to die.  I wish I could wake up tomorrow and just be cancer free.  

I just encourage everyone to remember that every day is indeed a gift.  Treasure each moment that you have with your loved ones.  Don't take one minute for granted.  Hug and kiss your family members, tell them you love them every single day.  

I am officially a hospice patient

I am now officially a hospice patient. I have met with the hospice doctor (Dr. Wood), nurse (Carol), social worker (Sean), and chaplain (Mike).  It has been a whirlwind just like when I was first diagnosed with cancer.  My life is being changed topsy turvy again.  

   All of the hospice workers have been wonderful.  They all seem really kind and caring.  The doctor and nurse have been working really hard to get my pain under control.  I am on new pain meds and dosing, and they are working great.  My pain is almost gone most of the time!  It is great feeling relaxed and pain free.  I am still feeling really tired.  We are going to try some meds to help me have more energy.  The nurse also suggested nutritional supplements like boost and ensure to help my body have more fuel for energy.  

   Another good thing about hospice is that I don't have to go out to the doctors office.  I just wait at home for them to come to me.  They also go to the pharmacy to get my medicine, so Dan won't have to do that.  Very convenient!  My kids have met the  nurse and the social worker.  They seemed to really hit it off.   Sean, the social worker, gave the kids a "grief" workbook, so they can work through their feelings.  I think that will be really good for them.  Ammon really likes my nurse.  

   Even though the thought of dying is hard, at least having hospice is going to make life a lot easier.  I am looking forward to not being sick from chemo, having my pain managed better, not having to spend hours and hours at the hospital, and having quality time. Of course it is hard to face the reality of what hospice means, I can see the good and I am slowly finding peace with it.

A new path on my cancer journey.....

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life. I signed papers to start hospice care. As I have battled cancer for almost 2 years, I knew this day would come. I have imagined what I would feel when this time came, but nothing prepared me for the heavy heart, the lump in my throat, the tears that I would fight to not shed. It is very difficult to make the decision to stop fighting, after I have fought so hard and suffered so much. I can't wrap my head around the fact that this monster I have been battling is going to claim my life. I had so much hope! How could this have happened? Why do I have to be the cause of grief to my loved ones? What will my husband do without me? How are my 5 children going to be okay growing up without a mother? My heart is breaking and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. The grief and sadness is just ripping me apart, and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel so helpless and lost. I don't want to die. I try to shove all thoughts of death and dying from my mind, to pretend that this isn't really happening. I tell myself that I will deal with it later, I still have time. The doctor says I have 3 months. I know that he can't really know. I am in Heavenly Father's hands, as I always have been. He will preserve my life for as long as I am supposed to be here.